Saturday, August 28, 2010

41 cents


I am just going to come right out and say it, "This has been a difficult day..."


Kendra left for college this morning...


I am happy for her and all of the promise and possibilities her future holds...


But I am sad for me...



I am feeling "out-of-sorts", and "wonky" as a friend of mine would say... so today is one of those risky kind of days. I really don't like admitting my weaknesses when it comes to all of this addiction stuff. But this sad, twisted feeling is uncomfortable, and I don't like discomfort. I have had thoughts of, "I don't want to think" and "I don't want to care". This is my way of admitting that ETOH has been on my mind... And "yes" it is very scary the intensity of this desire.


So instead of alcohol, I have succumbed to the acceptable addiction of housework and busyness. It occupies my hands and intensifies my belief that someday I will have a perfectly clean and orderly house. So I have cleaned Kendra's room, picked up Jameson's room, organized the laundry room, mopped the floor (on my hands and knees), washed, dried and folded laundry, done the dishes, swiffered the entire house, shook out the throw rugs, planted mums, put salt in the water softner, brought out the garbage, swept the basement, started a collection for GoodWill and started to organize shelves in the basement...

when I saw it...


An old briefcase.


I used it when I had the job that took me away from my family. I used it during a period of my life where I was lonely. I was discontent. I was resentful. My back hurt. I was depressed. I believed that I needed those pills. I believed that I deserved those pills.


I use to carry my pills in that old briefcase. Perhaps a few remain hidden deep in a pocket or seam. So I looked. And I looked some more.


The picture above is what I did find: One T-pin, 41cents, a computer thingy, 2 paper-clamps and a crumpled Butterfinger wrapper...


Am I disappointed? No.

Am I grateful? Yes.


Will I ever again look in cubbyholes, pockets, purses, closets, drawers...?


Probably. Just saying...

1 comment:

  1. wonky.

    oh we'll always look, friend. Or the disease will anyway...but we're still sober and feeling wonky sometimes and good other times and I'm so glad I'm with you on this road.

    be sad over Kendra's absence and do whatever you have to do...

    xo

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