Saturday, August 28, 2010

41 cents

I am just going to come right out and say it, "This has been a difficult day..."

Kendra left for college this morning...

I am happy for her and all of the promise and possibilities her future holds...

But I am sad for me...

I am feeling "out-of-sorts", and "wonky" as a friend of mine would say... so today is one of those risky kind of days. I really don't like admitting my weaknesses when it comes to all of this addiction stuff. But this sad, twisted feeling is uncomfortable, and I don't like discomfort. I have had thoughts of, "I don't want to think" and "I don't want to care". This is my way of admitting that ETOH has been on my mind... And "yes" it is very scary the intensity of this desire.

So instead of alcohol, I have succumbed to the acceptable addiction of housework and busyness. It occupies my hands and intensifies my belief that someday I will have a perfectly clean and orderly house. So I have cleaned Kendra's room, picked up Jameson's room, organized the laundry room, mopped the floor (on my hands and knees), washed, dried and folded laundry, done the dishes, swiffered the entire house, shook out the throw rugs, planted mums, put salt in the water softner, brought out the garbage, swept the basement, started a collection for GoodWill and started to organize shelves in the basement...

when I saw it...

An old briefcase.

I used it when I had the job that took me away from my family. I used it during a period of my life where I was lonely. I was discontent. I was resentful. My back hurt. I was depressed. I believed that I needed those pills. I believed that I deserved those pills.

I use to carry my pills in that old briefcase. Perhaps a few remain hidden deep in a pocket or seam. So I looked. And I looked some more.

The picture above is what I did find: One T-pin, 41cents, a computer thingy, 2 paper-clamps and a crumpled Butterfinger wrapper...

Am I disappointed? No.

Am I grateful? Yes.

Will I ever again look in cubbyholes, pockets, purses, closets, drawers...?

Probably. Just saying...

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Five A Day

"I'm the kind of person that feels a heavy ache over disorder. The state of my home is the state of my head and heart and I've been thrown off, tired, in a funk. " Heather

Every once in a while I feel overwhelmed by my surroundings and I get this tremendous urge to unclutter my environment. It seems that I can't concentrate when my home is a mess. It is like there is some weird equation, analog or natural law at work (i.e. 1+1=2, this is to this as that is to that, or 'The force of gravity equals the gravitational constant times the mass of the satellite times the mass of the earth divided by the square of the distance ...') (sorry, I'm rambling)

I am not sure that I can write a nice, neat equation about the relationship between my brain and my home, but I know it involves something that I would coin, "the serenity factor" and an 'if-then' hypothesis or implication:

If household clutter and chaos are high, then mental clarity and serenity are crappy.

If household clutter and chaos are low, then mental clarity and serenity are better.

If household clutter and chaos are absent, then mental clarity and serenity are...even better.

I am often very jealous of people that can function in any environment. Me? Not so much...I have been this way for most of my adult life. Sometimes the sheer magnitude of what I think I need to do overwhelms me and I do nothing...

If Annette ignores the house and does nothing, then the house is messy, serenity is absent and mental clarity scores a 'zero'

So in order to avoid this situation, I started my own "Five a Day" campaign. Where on any particular day I say to myself... "Today I will rearrange, throw or give away FIVE items" and I will do this everyday for a set length of time or until the clutter feels manageable.

Today was the first day of "Five a Day"...and I was psyched!

It started out great...

Item #1:Old crappy polyester sweatpants

Item #2: Old, yucky curtain.

Then I made the mistake of going to my

16 year old son's room...

Item #3: Bag of clothing that no longer fits

Item #4: Bag of dirty (stinky) laundry

Item#5: Bag of (extreme stinky) garbage

This is not how the "Five a Day" campaign is suppose to is suppose to be easy, simple and produce mental calm and spiritual serenity.

My thoughts today have been anything but serene and as for the boy...he is so lucky that I think he is cute and that I am glad that he is mine, because I had a few (more than five) not so motherly thoughts run through my head...

So, signing off....wish me luck for my next "Five A Day" Day

Note to self: Stay out of Kendra's room.

The End~

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Rest assured...

This is a picture of my lovely daughter (the one wearing the signage) and the equally lovely, Hannah (no signage--just big beautiful brown eyes).

Rest assured she is wearing a bathing suit under the signage (at least that is what she tells me).

It is now just a short ten days until her departure to college and I am already feeling lonely. We have had a superb summer. I have learned so much about her and surprisingly at the same time a lot about myself. She inspires me to be a better me and for that I am so very grateful.

Oh, we have had a few disagreements this summer, but at this very moment I can't tell you what they entailed. (Most likely the momma maid was upset about the long hours, poor tips and lack of appreciation) (...but she usually gets over it quickly...)
However, what I can tell you is that we have had genuine, heartfelt conversations about things that are important to us:
God, faith, religion, church, weddings, brides maids, flowers, pee-oh-knee, pee-a-knee, (peony), Dads, brothers, friends, alcohol, work, school, science, health, beauty, packages, exercise, alternative medicine, family, likes, dis-likes, books, boys (A boy), The Food Network, FaceBook, blogging, tri-athalons, pooping (there is a story here--we don't just randomly pick "poop" as the topic of the day), hair-color, finances, money, debt, happiness, sadness, depression, sunshine, the past, the present, the future, our fears, our hopes, our plans, our dreams, good food, having a momma who is an alcoholic and of course being a momma who is an alcoholic... ((sigh))

It has been pure bliss...which is significant as I am not a fan of random verbal banter. It has been a special kind of wonderful...a Heaven on Earth.

Speaking of Heaven....Kendra (the daughter) was talking to me (the momma) about what some of the differences between our earthly and heavenly bodies might be. Kendra would like wings, while I do not necessarily care for our conversation continued she got a rather contemplative look on her face and announced, "I just don't want to be naked in Heaven"... And upon that point we agreed.

It is time to end this. But before I go I just want to tell my

Dear, Precious, Daughter,

Rest Assured...

"What is said on the walk.

Stays on the walk".
I love you!
The Momma

Saturday, August 14, 2010

a picture story

When you look at me...
What do you see?

Do you see ...

Or do you see...

The End...

Friday, August 13, 2010

Thunder & Lightning

"The more we know about meteorology, the less inclined we are to pray during a thunderstorm."

Brennan Manning. Ragamuffin Gospel

The Thunderstorm last evening was




However, in this day of Doppler radar and professional storm chasers

My first reaction was "Crap!"

We're going to get water in the basement again!

But as I took these pictures I felt a pang of fear…

I sensed the storm's power

And I was grateful

For in that moment of fear

My eyes opened to see a sky charged with the grandeur of God

Then…I prayed


Tuesday, August 10, 2010

The Truffle Shuffle

It is no secret--I carry a few extra pounds around the middle.

This summer I thought that I would get this problem licked...but my efforts to lose weight have been frustratingly slow & complicated by self-pity. i.e. "I work hard, therefore I deserve to eat anything I want, as much as I want".

Anyway, the other day as I walked with my daughter, I was belaboring the fact that despite all the hard work and exercise I have only lost 13# this summer. At the time, I was simultaneously feeling both silly & discouraged. (I know--a strange combination--but it works for me)

Nano-seconds later, I had a strong physical compulsion to demonstrate the extent of my need for abdominal-lipo-cellulitical transformation that I lifted my shirt, waggled and girated my belly and pranced in circles on a quite well-traveled public road. This dance I performed was really quite liberating...I honestly had a moment of not caring what anyone thought of me. It was wonderful...

Add to my delight! Rather than gasp in horror at my blubbery belly dance, Kendra started to giggle uncontrollably. "Momma, you are doing the 'truffle dance'!" and she grinned...and then I grinned...

Now I had never heard of this "truffle dance" a.k.a. "truffle shuffle". So I had to Google it. And here it is....Enjoy!...and use your imagination...pretend that Chunk is The Church Organist Daughter...