Wednesday, June 16, 2010

thoughts on therapy




My therapist announced recently that she thinks that I have entered a season of rebellion.



Since I've gotten out of treatment, I pretty much have done EVERYTHING asked of me (& and I'm sick of it!) I have followed all of the "thou shalt and shalt nots" with nary a question or concern. "They" told me this would work so I swallowed the pill...




I hope that I am not committing AA heresy, but I am realizing that I have many questions. I sometimes feel like I've been told to put aside my interrogatives, "pay them no heed--for it is just your rationalizing, justifying, manipulating alcoholic mind playing with your sobriety".




But I want to think and I love to question (why? how come? what for?) It is the very essence of who I am.




So I gotta do it! I will do it! Go ahead and warn me, "Beware, Annette, you won't have a contented sobriety"




So lets switch gears and talk about contentment....(and my therapist again)


Therapist says: "Annette, I think you should journal about contentment and what that means to you" (somehow I had determined that contentment = boredom and she did not feel this was a healthy definition of contentment...therefore the assignment...)




Annette says: "Okay" (since it was during her compliant season) and off to LuLu Beans she went. To sit, sip coffee and scratch some words onto paper.


Here is what Annette wrote:


I am sitting here at LuLu Beans and I think that this is content. As I bend, pull and twist words from my head. I love it! The room is quiet, the sun spreads its rays across the floor. In my quiet I hear only distant tweetering birds, muted traffic noise and the occasional whirr of a blender. And I wish I could insert a scratch and sniff right here on paper! The coffee aroma is wonderful...I sense peace here and for this moment, "I am okay".



But the guy next to me just got a phone call and he is talking quite out loud. "Isn't LuLu Beans the equivalent to a library?", my mind shouts...and lo...my peace (my content) is shattered. My mind continues to gripe, complain and mutter and further decides that the reason that contentment is so fleeting is because other PEOPLE keep messing it up. Yes, that's it! My lack of contentment is definitely SOMEONE else's fault!



But, I must complete my assignment from the cognitive therapy lady, so move on Annette. Here we go... A few more words about "contentment": Gas in the car, car is washed, I'm not constipated, the groceries are bought AND put away, the laundry is washed, dried, folded AND put away, the house is picked up, the bathroom is disinfected, I'm not working at the hospital and I have a few days off in a row, I get to talk smart to smart people, I haven't over eaten, I feel reasonably well rested, I have a plan for the day, I just accomplished something, I can feel God's pleasure, walking with my dog and my daughter, knowing that "I belong to my Abba", looking at nature's yellow, greens and blues, eaves dropping on an interesting conversation, humorous bantering with friends and co-workers, learning, creating, changing, and listening to my hubby read to me...



Next--"discontent": Working too much, fatigue, exhaustion, hungry, angry, lonely, tired (HALT), bored, aimless, financial worries, messy house, chaos, arguments, too much to do--too little time, procrastination, the "have tos", obligations that are not life-giving, when I fall into gossip, slander, judgement, criticism and nit-picking, family crap, church crap, self conscious social gathering crap, fat crap (okay I'm done with the crap), too loud--too bright--too tight--, thoughts that are too fast or scattered to capture and enjoy, negative, repetitive, accusing thoughts, self-hatred, being misunderstood, family discord, obsessing about food, weight, $, vicodin, beer, wine, perfect margaritas, Tangaray, Bacardi Diet Coke or whatever miscellaneous alcoholic beverage that I see, smell, or conjure up.



DISCLAIMER: Neither list is all inclusive. I reserve the right to add, delete, adjust, quantify, minimize or exaggerate at will or whim.



2 comments:

  1. Oh momma...what goes on in your head?!

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  2. Oh Kendra, if you have a couple of weeks, I could explain what goes on in your Momma's head :) I know, because it's so similar to my busy monkey brain full of questions and concerns and more questions...and then think think think...just so much thinking. Lots of thinking that other people seem NOT to be doing. It's exhausting. :)

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