Thursday, June 24, 2010

Prayer


"Once a prayer is uttered it belongs to eternity..."

A statement I once heard.


And I am pretty sure that I didn't make it up.



As I am neither theologically nor philosophically



savvy enough to come up with this supposition



all on my own.




Personally, I like this concept and I do hope that it is really true.



And this is why:

First, I need to define for you what I think "eternity" is. I'd like to think of eternity as "the absence of time" (I know I'm being very simplistic--but remember I'm just a nurse, mother and wife not a time, spacial, dimensional, physicist/theologian type person).


  • Then if I use my imagination-- I can choose to believe that once a prayer is spoken (or thought, or whispered, or shouted, or wept) into existence it becomes a part of something that has always been, always is, and always will be... It returns to that realm where "a day is but a thousand years and a thousand years is but a day" (Reference: Someplace in the Bible).


  • It also makes me believe that every prayer I've ever prayed or ever will pray become so much more once they leave my lips. They become shield, covering and protection woven together by nail pierced hands.


  • Remember. Yesterday. Today. Tomorrow. And for all eternity--He's got you covered.

After this manner therefore pray ye...
Our Father which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespassess, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil:
For thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory, forever.
Amen.

Mt 6.9-13











Thursday, June 17, 2010


Ever have one of those days where your calendar tells you that you have nothing to do, but you end up running around like a chicken with your head cut off? Today was that day. I accomplished very little, yet I feel exhausted. How does that happen? It is so not cool...

Anyway, here I sit--trying to wind down, needing to find calm. So I paged through my journal and the page fell open to November 30th, 2009-- this is what I found. Thank-you Lord for the reminder...

"But if I settle into the moment--I can find You...You are wedged into that place I call 'Grace'--I place I rarely willingly visit. A shelter, a cleft in the Rock. A place I crawl into, draw up my knees, close my eyes and make myself as small as I can be..."


grace&peace&goodnight,


Annette








Wednesday, June 16, 2010

thoughts on therapy




My therapist announced recently that she thinks that I have entered a season of rebellion.



Since I've gotten out of treatment, I pretty much have done EVERYTHING asked of me (& and I'm sick of it!) I have followed all of the "thou shalt and shalt nots" with nary a question or concern. "They" told me this would work so I swallowed the pill...




I hope that I am not committing AA heresy, but I am realizing that I have many questions. I sometimes feel like I've been told to put aside my interrogatives, "pay them no heed--for it is just your rationalizing, justifying, manipulating alcoholic mind playing with your sobriety".




But I want to think and I love to question (why? how come? what for?) It is the very essence of who I am.




So I gotta do it! I will do it! Go ahead and warn me, "Beware, Annette, you won't have a contented sobriety"




So lets switch gears and talk about contentment....(and my therapist again)


Therapist says: "Annette, I think you should journal about contentment and what that means to you" (somehow I had determined that contentment = boredom and she did not feel this was a healthy definition of contentment...therefore the assignment...)




Annette says: "Okay" (since it was during her compliant season) and off to LuLu Beans she went. To sit, sip coffee and scratch some words onto paper.


Here is what Annette wrote:


I am sitting here at LuLu Beans and I think that this is content. As I bend, pull and twist words from my head. I love it! The room is quiet, the sun spreads its rays across the floor. In my quiet I hear only distant tweetering birds, muted traffic noise and the occasional whirr of a blender. And I wish I could insert a scratch and sniff right here on paper! The coffee aroma is wonderful...I sense peace here and for this moment, "I am okay".



But the guy next to me just got a phone call and he is talking quite out loud. "Isn't LuLu Beans the equivalent to a library?", my mind shouts...and lo...my peace (my content) is shattered. My mind continues to gripe, complain and mutter and further decides that the reason that contentment is so fleeting is because other PEOPLE keep messing it up. Yes, that's it! My lack of contentment is definitely SOMEONE else's fault!



But, I must complete my assignment from the cognitive therapy lady, so move on Annette. Here we go... A few more words about "contentment": Gas in the car, car is washed, I'm not constipated, the groceries are bought AND put away, the laundry is washed, dried, folded AND put away, the house is picked up, the bathroom is disinfected, I'm not working at the hospital and I have a few days off in a row, I get to talk smart to smart people, I haven't over eaten, I feel reasonably well rested, I have a plan for the day, I just accomplished something, I can feel God's pleasure, walking with my dog and my daughter, knowing that "I belong to my Abba", looking at nature's yellow, greens and blues, eaves dropping on an interesting conversation, humorous bantering with friends and co-workers, learning, creating, changing, and listening to my hubby read to me...



Next--"discontent": Working too much, fatigue, exhaustion, hungry, angry, lonely, tired (HALT), bored, aimless, financial worries, messy house, chaos, arguments, too much to do--too little time, procrastination, the "have tos", obligations that are not life-giving, when I fall into gossip, slander, judgement, criticism and nit-picking, family crap, church crap, self conscious social gathering crap, fat crap (okay I'm done with the crap), too loud--too bright--too tight--, thoughts that are too fast or scattered to capture and enjoy, negative, repetitive, accusing thoughts, self-hatred, being misunderstood, family discord, obsessing about food, weight, $, vicodin, beer, wine, perfect margaritas, Tangaray, Bacardi Diet Coke or whatever miscellaneous alcoholic beverage that I see, smell, or conjure up.



DISCLAIMER: Neither list is all inclusive. I reserve the right to add, delete, adjust, quantify, minimize or exaggerate at will or whim.



Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Listen up!


Who knew that blogging could create such crisis, internal conflict and extreme paranoia? Sheesh! But I think that I am over it~Thanks Heather!
For some reason I suddenly became very self-conscious that what I might post may offend or sound lame...and rather than risk...I just shut up...which is sooooo typical of me...

But I am back! Can't guarantee that what I may say will be all proper. But I gotta do it--for it seems that even I do not know what I am thinking or feeling until I write it down. With that said please note the following~

DISCLAIMER:

This is a personal weblog. The opinions expressed here represent my own. In addition, my thoughts and opinions change from time to time…I consider this a necessary consequence of having an open mind. This weblog is intended to provide a semi-permanent point in time snapshot and manifestation of the various memes running around my brain.

All data and information provided on this site is for personal therapeutic and recreational purposes only. The Church Organist Daughter makes no representations as to accuracy, completeness, currentness, suitability, or validity of any information on this site and will not be liable for any errors, omissions, or delays in this information or any losses, injuries, or damages arising from its display or use. All information is provided on an as-is basis.

If I post something here that you find helpful,that’s wonderful. If I say something stupid, well that is...just me...I do that sometimes. Consider yourself duly warned, enter "at will". And with a humble and penitent heart I ask for your forgiveness in advance.

Annette