Saturday, May 22, 2010

shush now

Just where have I been some of you may have been wondering….I guess that I have been rather quiet...

Every once in a while I duck out of society and choose to isolate. It is a bad habit. There have been times in the past that my face really should have been posted on the back of milk cartons for all the times I "went missing". I do this when life is stressful, or I have done something stupid, or out of a fear that I have offended or harmed someone close to me. I figure that if they don't see or hear from me for a while that they will somehow magically forget & forgive my trespasses.

In addition to this, I really have felt as though I have had nothing much to say. At least nothing that I felt that anyone (including myself) would be interested in reading. No wisdom. No humor. Only shapeless thoughts flitting here and there which serve only to stir up vague feelings of dissatisfaction.

The thoughts I am cognizant of also cause me to want to hide. These thoughts gossip loudly of my inadequacies. They point beyond me, smirk at my past then turn 180 and nod knowingly at the promise of struggle that is my future.

Thoughts...they are far too often loud, brash, convicting, accusing...and I would very much like to shut them up. At times I day dream of my lost but not forgotten private quiet... As I look back I think that perhaps I craved the quiet more than I craved the alcohol. I openly admit-- I still desire silence.

But the silence that I crave is different now. It is not the silence of anesthesia where mind, body and soul go numb. Rather it is a tender, grace filled and peace filled silence. A fully aware silence where I seek to spruce up my inner sanctuary and make it agreeably hospitable in which one might entertain a King... So there...I can still be quiet... if I want to...

Silence is the perfectest herald of joy:
I were but little happy,
if I could say how much.
William Shakespeare

Shush now,


Sunday, May 2, 2010

a cat named Pecker...

You may be thinking that this is an odd topic....well it is and it isn't. You may be thinking that this is an inapproriate topic...well again, it is and it isn't.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about what it is to be married. I mean what it is to be married to someone for twenty plus years. What it is to married to someone who for 19 of those 20+ years that you really just tolerated...and they tolerated you...

Addiction & Alcoholism are hard on a marriage. Isolation, fear, anger and lonliness take over. Communication is nil. The only time I emerged from my quiet was when I drank--and then what I had to say was usually none too pleasant. So silence was safe AND it was mine...

So--I now love my husband again, don't ask me how that happened, it just did. I'm pretty sure it is a God thing. I even think he is cute again (grey hair, tummy and all) Best of all I even LIKE him again. So now we talk...(Yes, this is where the story about the cat named Pecker starts...)

We talk about lots of stuff AND we even text to one another when we can't talk out loud. Some of our best convo's happen via Blackberry. Here, let me prove it...

K: "Unreal, you'll never guess what happened today."

A: "What?"

K: "I love you more!"

K: "I love you more!"

K: "I love you more!"

A: "So can I have a kitty?"

K: "Try again"

A: "Okay. So can I have a kitty?"

K: "OK"

A: "WaaaaHoooo!"

K: "Goof"

A: "I'm gonna start thinking up names!"

K: "Think for a long time"

A: "I want a boy cat and call him Pecker"

A: "Here Pecker, Pecker, Pecker..."

K: "I would come running too"

A: " I am laughing and I have to pee..."

K: "Stay off my side of the bed"

A: "Thought you loved me more"

K: "I do just don't want to sleep in pee"

A: "I'd make sure I let it air dry..."

K: "Thanks"

A: "This conversation has deteriorated"

K: "Yea, you have to pee"

A: "Yup! Bye! Love you more..."

Honestly, this man is a gift...he is the ONLY one who has even come remotely close to understanding me. Just think--19 years of silence--1 year of "peckers", "pee", and "I love you more..."

What will we talk about next? I can hardly wait...