Wednesday, April 7, 2010

twisted


Out of sorts.
Not quite right.
Off kilter.
Unsettled.
Uneasy.
Floundering.
Aimless.
Tired.
Questioning.
Listless.
Wandering.
Wondering.

All these words, however appropriate, can not compare to my mothers one word description of my current mental state...


"Twisted"


Yes that is it--"I am feeling twisted"


It has been one of "those days", that followed a series of "those days" that followed one of "those weeks". I feel dissheveled and scattered.
I just can not find where I begin or where I end.
Life feels...weird...wrong...twisted.


I found myself talking to a friend today and telling her that I just feel like I am digging myself into a hole and I wish that someone would please, please, please take my shovel away from me. But knowing me, I would just take off my gloves and glory in getting dirt under my nails as I dig, dig, deeper even without that cumbersome shovel...


Life since treatment is often confusing. A whole new set of rules was thrust into my face. I call these rules the "Thou shalts of Sobriety"
  • Thou shalt be social
  • Thou shalt go to AA
  • Thou shalt be Honest-- Open minded--Willing (HOW)
  • Thou shalt be accountable
  • Thou shalt maintain regular contact with a sponsor
  • Thou shalt see a counselor
  • Thou shalt relinquish control
  • Thou shalt cultivate a relationship with your "Higher Power"
  • Thou shalt do all of the above while maintaining marriage, family, home and employment
  • Thou shalt KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid)--yea right!

I would be a fool to proclaim mastery of these "commandments", and I do see their merit; however, I feel that one important "thou shalt" was ommitted:

Thou shalt be tired and twisted--

cuz that is how I feel...

Well, I am trying to follow the rules and something still is not right. And I hope you can appreciate the precarious situation I am putting myself in by admitting that my serenity crown is cock-eyed and sits askew on my head. To those of you who love me, I assure you that I am fine, there is no need to intervene. 100% serenity is not realistic. A bad day. A bad week. That will happen. I really am okay. I am just not always that comfortable in these new clothes that I wear. They sometimes feel stiff and scratchy. To be honest, these new garments don't always cover as well as the old rags did. A 'wardrobe malfunction' is my biggest fear. I also feel fairly certain that this uncomfortable twisted sensation that I have comes from these brand new duds. I pray that I will one day grow into them and I pray, pray even more...that someone picks the wedgie out!

J42D,

Annette

2 comments:

  1. You are so gifted with the ability to write what you think - I would love to pick the wedgie out but knowing me, I'd just pull it that much higher:) That would be the wickedness in me;) See, your not the only one that is twisted - gotta love me!

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  2. Me too.

    I've been sitting around staring all day and feeling exactly what you've written here. I don't like that you've been feeling this way too, but I'll admit it helps to know that I'm not alone. To never feel twisted we'd have to stop thinking and I don't think that's possible. especially our particular version of twisted thinking. :)

    let's get together soon!

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