Monday, April 26, 2010

A confession...

“Even when preoccupied, distracted, or salivating, we each have a dream, a vision of life that corresponds to our convictions, embodies our uniqueness, and expresses what is life-giving with-in us…the dream gives definition to our lives, influencing the decisions we make, the steps we take, and the words we speak” (Manning, A Glimpse of Jesus).

I still struggle with this notion of having a vision for my life. I still struggle with that nagging question, “what am I to be when I grow up?” I still dream, still plan, still strategize. This ‘dreaming’ is distracting. This ‘dreaming’ is unsettling. I am 45 years old. When will what I am right now really be enough? I keep thinking that there has to be more to life than this…

Lately, I find myself telling people that, “When I grow up, I want to be a greeter at Wal-Mart”. But that is a lie. It is a diversion of sorts. I think when I make this proclamation others will think of me as unthreatening, friendly, even funny. It has seemed to me throughout the years that being an ambitious woman just gets you into trouble. When people discover that you want more, they distance themselves from you as if to say, “Well ‘Honey’, you’re not getting any of mine!” And in that distance I found loneliness—it just became easier to hide the real me and choose to talk smart of one day wearing the coveted blue vest!

So if I come clean, I have to confess that for most of my life I have struggled with the desire for intellect, pleasure, security—my personal sacred trifecta of sorts—always looking for more, never satisfied and forever discontent. While recovery has taught me much of humility; I still struggle with the incessant inner drive for more and more and more. I’ve been promised that “self seeking will slip away”…seriously, is that really even possible?

Until then, I will dream of blue vests, yellow smiles and the promise of roll-backs…

That’s all folks,
The CoD

1 comment:

  1. I too struggle with the issue of what I want to be when I grow up and finding the "purpose" of my life!