Wednesday, March 24, 2010

roses & cherries



I love it when I find something unexpected--something forgotten or misplaced. This morning as I was cleaning my bedroom, I found a long lost book--The Furious Longing of God-- by Brennan Manning. I love this book and as I fondly skimmed through its pages I found a note that I had written inside the back cover. I don't recall writing the note but its words still felt as truth to my heart. It said-

I never thought that I would ever be grateful for the trouble, the addiction, the crap, the frustration of life...but I am; for it sends me to the Father. I am convinced that if my life were all roses and cherries, I'd plug along in miserable self-sufficiency because I would believe there was no need for Him. Thank you Lord for the good; but perhaps even more Lord thank you for the bad...


Disclaimer: I am in no way suggesting the God is the author of, "my bad" I simply believe that He has the power to work good from any choice, poor decision, aka "sin" that I may have committed. God is cool like that. Another disclaimer: I am by no means advocating that you go out and "sin" cuz God can deal with it...

This is getting way too complicated--it is probably best that I put a stop to this discussion for I fear that I am digging a hole
.
Take it for what it is worth. Remember--it is only opinion and you know what they say about opinions!

J42D,

Annette~The CoD


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

why do I write?


For much too long I have chosen to keep to myself, fearing that others think I am "crazy" or at a minimum downright "odd". However, I have come to a place in my life where I can accept the latter as true and I wish to share some of my "odd" thoughts with you.

I have been thinking of late about what gives me joy...and this is it! I have always loved to write. I have kept a journal for years and love the sensation of my pencil scratching across paper. For me there is a special thrill in bending words around my thoughts. If I can write something and cry or laugh when it is complete--that is success. I have finally realized that it is only when I scribble--pen to paper--that sanity leaks to my surface.

Jealously I have coveted the gifts of those with mastery of the spoken word. Unfortunately I am neither verbally gifted nor quick witted. I stumble over words, say stupid things or worse yet, say nothing at all! So I have been labeled by others as "quiet", "reserved", "shy". Words aloud spill out muddled and chaotic; but words on paper come out clean, organized, crafted, even eloquent at my very best. These written words are a laxative of sorts for my constipated mind (Sorry about the imagery there--it is a nursing thing--I'm an RN).

Most importantly perhaps is that when I write I hear my sober voice. In this blog I hope to let out the crazy woman inside of me that I use to try and shut up with alcohol. Slowly I am discovering the real me and in my humble opinion, "crazy" is more than okay...
J42D,
Annette--the CoD

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Working on it!

I am new to blogging and still working out the kinks!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Can Anyone Hear Me?



I went to an AA meeting on Wednesday (St. Pat's Day) that I had not ever been to before. It was an okay meeting—but what I really liked was that they asked everyone to go around and tell how their week was and evaluate three things:
Sobriety...Serenity...Sanity...

So my thoughts were:
1) Sobriety—“Check”
2) Serenity—hmmm, okay I give myself half a “Check”
3) Sanity—No “Check” in sight…

When I reviewed the content of my thoughts for that day,I realized that I had been obsessing about "Never, EVER having green beer". I’m not sure what prompted this lament (other than that I am an alcoholic and I seem to enjoy feeling sorry for myself periodically). It had been a busy day at work and I found that quite often my mind would wander to this thought over and over again. The thoughts didn't really cause me any distress, just kind of entertained my mind—all the while I went about my normal duties at work. I just could not get over the fact that in 25 years of drinking I had never had green beer!

I must have had this thought over fifty times that day. But it is so weird—it wasn’t until I slowed down and deliberately and purposefully inventoried my thought life did I realize that the conversation in my head was really quite insane. What sane person obsesses about green beer?

This really made me wonder about the nature of my alcoholic insanity. Who would ever think that insanity could be so sly, so discrete? I always thought that insanity manifested itself in obtrusive, blatant, loud and crazy thoughts. Nope. Not so. Insane can be simple...subtle...cunning...baffling...

Annette—The COD